Once upon a time, interpersonal conflicts were resolved by seeing who could shout the loudest. While efficient, the end result was all too often less than ideal. Those on the receiving end were left feeling resentful, disappointed, and even angry. While this approach is still sometimes used today, there are several other options to consider adding to your communication bag of tricks.
Successful Conflict Resolution
I know from where I speak. I spent several years in security management and several more as an investigator. Conflicts were a daily occurrence. Shouting loudly and demanding compliance didn’t work that well in most situations.
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There is no one-size-fits-all answer to conflict management. Several factors must be considered, including the relationships involved, the nature of the conflict, and the desired outcome. Don’t get me wrong. There are indeed times when you need to be assertive and establish dominance. But if that’s your only strategy, you’re trying to build a house with a hammer as your only tool.
As we discuss these various conflict management styles, bear in mind that some are more suitable for one-on-one situations and others are geared more toward group settings. The conceit here is that you’re involved with the conflict yourself at some level. However, knowing these strategies well and understanding the underlying purpose and goals associated with each of them also allows you to suggest them to the relevant authorities as situations warrant.
Concession – Let’s Give Up
Some arguments just aren’t worth pursuing. A great example is the endless debates that occur on social media. Few, if any, people have ever changed an opinion about anything important because of what some random person on Facebook posted. Think about it like this. If giving up and conceding their point will do you no harm and free up your time to move on to more productive pursuits, go for it.
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It isn’t just online disputes that may qualify for concession, though. The same logic extends to the real world. You know that guy at work who complains about everything? Don’t let yourself get sucked into an argument with him. Just concede his point and keep on trucking. No harm, no foul.
There’s one other reason why concession might be the way to go. Have you ever gotten about 17 minutes into a really heated argument with someone, and then realized you’re wrong? That feels awesome, doesn’t it? Your best option at that point is to wave the white flag.
Keep in mind that conceding in an interpersonal conflict doesn’t diminish your value as a person. It doesn’t make you less of a man. Nor does it cause baldness or impact your bedroom proficiency. It isn’t always easy to do, but there are many times when it’s appropriate.
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When to use it: the conflict is rather pointless, and you lose absolutely nothing by giving up and moving on.
Compromise – Let’s Meet in the Middle
Of all the different conflict resolution approaches we’re discussing, this is probably the most common. Compromise is the key to many marriages and other personal relationships. You meet in the middle and give a little to get a little.
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It’s the most common and probably the most overused approach, if we’re being honest. For many people, compromise is often the only viable solution. The problem is that one or both parties may become resentful over time because they never see a full win.
That said, compromise is an excellent option when it just isn’t practical for both sides to get everything they want. Discussing a compromise can also be a great way to open the lines of communication. It may turn out that one or both sides aren’t really arguing about the matter at hand, but are instead trying to accomplish something else altogether.
When to use it: you need to preserve the relationship with the other people involved.
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Consensus – Let’s Take a Vote
Sometimes the conflict isn’t between you and one other person. Instead, it’s a whole group of people who are involved. One way to approach this is to simply take a vote. It’s important to get everyone on board with this, though. They all have to agree that the vote will determine the outcome; everyone will abide by it, no matter what. In some cases, keeping the votes private might be wise. Most of the time, though, a simple show of hands will probably suffice.
Depending on what’s at stake, you might consider allowing each side a little time to explain what they want or to share their perspective to the group. If you go that route, agree on a specific length of time for each side to get and stick to it.
When to use it: viable solutions have been suggested, and the group needs to choose one to pursue.
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Mediation – Let’s Bring in a Counselor
Bringing in a neutral third party will help everyone involved reach a workable solution. Understand that the mediator’s job isn’t to make a final adjudication about the conflict. They are there to help those involved in the dispute reach a mutually agreeable resolution.
In cases where the feuding sides can’t even stand to be in the same room with one another, the mediator serves as the go-between. The goal is to maintain open communication, as that’s how the conflict will be resolved.
This only works if the parties are indeed open to resolving the conflict and are willing to actually listen to the opposing viewpoint(s).
When to use it: the people in the group need a little guidance to reach a resolution.
Arbitration – Let’s Bring in a Judge
Arbitration involves a third party, similarly to mediation. However, in this case, the third party is the actual decision-maker to resolve the conflict, rather than just an advisor. They’re the judge in the matter, and their decision is final. They will listen to each side and issue a ruling that’s hopefully fair and equitable. In some cases, it may not be a single arbiter but a panel of judges.
Again, like mediation, arbitration will only be successful if everyone agrees to abide by the ruling. It works well in conflicts where those involved are finding it difficult or impossible to communicate with each other without everything turning into massive shouting matches or worse.
When to use it: the group is at an absolute stalemate and refuses to budge.
Collaboration – Let’s Work Together
This is a great approach if the involved parties are willing to actually sit down and talk to one another. This is a rare win-win situation. The idea here is that the parties will work together to come up with a solution that benefits everyone. It’s essential to recognize that every individual must be fully committed to collaboration. If not, then it isn’t likely to work.
On the surface, it appears similar to the consensus approach. But there, you’re trying to get the group to agree on a solution after being given a few options from which to choose. Here, the idea is to get the group to work together from the outset to create a solution that works.
This is probably the hardest conflict resolution approach to pull off successfully. It’s exceedingly rare to get everyone on board with it. It’s even rarer to come up with a workable and practical solution that truly benefits all parties involved. But when those stars align, it can be truly amazing to see.
When to use it: the group is highly motivated to work together and is willing to do so.
Competition – Let’s Do It My Way
This is the opposite of collaboration. Here, it’s win at all costs. What’s interesting is that this approach is the least likely to succeed in most cases, but it’s the one many people try first. If you’ve ever had a boss who lived by the motto, “My way or the highway,” then you’re familiar with the competitive approach to conflict resolution.
While many people try competition first, it really should be reserved for specific situations where you know deep in your heart that you’re right beyond a shadow of a doubt. For example, you’re being steamrolled into doing something at work that you know is going to blow up in your face later.
This is also the approach to use in a crisis situation where you need people to listen and follow orders. For example, there’s a fire at work and people need to evacuate. That’s not the time to debate; that’s the time to beat feet.
In a way, it’s misnamed, as competition gives the impression that there’s something like a contest involved. Instead, this approach is rooted in assertiveness more than anything else. The competitive option rarely leads to making new friends. In fact, if misused or abused, it will almost certainly damage your relationship with others who are involved.
When to use it: the stakes are high enough to justify not just stepping on toes, but stomping on them with heavy work boots.
Listen, dissension left unchecked can become a cancer, poisoning the relationship. The longer it festers, the worse it gets, and the harder it will be to excise. Great leaders don’t try to be the best in the group. They try to make the group the best it can be. A big part of that is helping them resolve interpersonal conflicts.
