Preparation beats panic when it comes to protecting your loved ones from a home invasion. In a perfect world, we’d all have moats with alligators in them surrounding our houses, but Home Owners Associations have ruined all our fun.
A Deadly Home Invasion
Home invasions are fast, violent, and often targeted. It’s an assault on the place where you feel the most comfortable. Most houses are easy targets – soft as baby poop. Your job is to turn yours into a “hard” target without making it look like a military installation because your wife still needs to live in it. There are ways you can keep your ascetics and still protect your castle without forcing your kids to dig a moat.
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Think Like the Enemy: Annoy them with deterrence
No house is burglar-proof. The intent is to make yours harder to break into, so they decide to move on to your neighbor’s house. To do this, think like an invader. Think “If I were going to break in this house, I’d…” and fill in the blanks. As an example:
If I were going to break into your house, I’d find the electrical breaker box and turn off the power. This will kill any cameras and alarms on the house. Then I’d go through the backyard, break the sliding glass window, take the Oreos out of the pantry, and lick all the frosting out of the middle before putting them back.
That’s a great starting point. Now, walk around your house and figure out where you have vulnerabilities. Does your breaker box have a lock on it, or will it open like a lotus flower to anyone who comes on your property? How about your backyard? Can you walk through an unlocked gate and relax in your hammock? If so, lock them. Yes, locks can be annoying when you want quick access, but be honest, you don’t use a side gate often or need to reset a breaker daily.
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Mostly peaceful
Next, look at your doors and windows. Many people lock their front and back doors, but the garage door, the one you can access through the backyard gate, may be open. Any window on a bottom floor is a vulnerability. These can be covered with plywood (like you’re waiting for a hurricane or a “mostly peaceful” protest), but your HOA and wife won’t allow it. Instead, plant cactus or shrubs with thorns under them. Most of these have pretty flowers that your wife will love, so everyone wins…
Except you, because you’ll bleed out trying to prune them once a year. As an added bonus, planting these outside your teenage daughter’s room will make it harder for her to sneak out and run away with Jonathon, whom she met online.
The Dartboard of Safety
Your home is like a dart board, and your bedroom is the bullseye. Using this analogy, your house and loved ones in the other rooms are the green felt around the bullseye. You can’t protect them if you can’t protect yourself. Now that we have the easy stuff out of the way, it’s time to extend your deterrence in concentric circles.
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Cameras
Cameras extend your view from your house. You should have one at each entry point: front door, back door, side gate, and driveway. 99% of the time, the only thing you’ll see on them is local wildlife and the Amazon delivery driver. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see a couple of stray cats making love doggy style (that’s funny). Like the lock on your breaker box, cameras serve as a deterrent, so make sure they’re visible.
The best camera systems are wired in, not connected to Wi-Fi. Criminals have figured out that a Wi-Fi jammer will disable most security systems. A wired system needs to be disabled by cutting power, which is fine because you have a lock on your electrical box. You’re good.
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Signs
Go on eBay and buy a sign that says “This Home is Professionally Monitored by ADT” and place that in full view of the street. You can purchase a monitoring plan from ADT, but the sign, coupled with your self-monitored cameras, is a cheaper option with the added benefit of not having to call off the police dispatch to your house when you forget the code to your alarm.
Neighbors
Get to know your neighbors. Being social is exhausting, but it’s a heck of a deterrent against a home invasion. The proximity of their house to yours allows them to learn your patterns and tell you when something is off. If you’re feeling generous, you can do the same for them by buying binoculars and peeking in their windows every night. When they call the cops on you, tell them it’s part of the neighborhood watch. You can also tell this to the judge later.
Ideally, you want to be the one telling your neighbor something is wrong because the burglar broke into their house after trying yours first.
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Attack Llama
Did you know llamas are used to protect sheep? Imagine someone breaking into your home. You yell, “Attack llama, engage!” and a massive, curly-haired llama runs from your room and rips the person to bits. That’s awesome.
Maybe get a dog instead. Not one of those small ones with high-pitched barks. Those are zero help, and you’ll end up on The Dog Whisperer trying to explain to Cesar Millan why you own a corgi–chihuahua mix. Get a retriever. Their bark sounds malicious even as they cuddle next to you on the couch. If the home invader comes in with a can of wet dog food, they will leave you to be assaulted, but their initial bark will wake you in time to grab your firearm to protect your family.
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Self Defense: Choosing the Right Firearm
Selecting the correct firearm for home defense is situation-dependent. In general, you can’t go wrong with a shotgun. Like a 7 Iron on the golf course, it’s the ultimate utility weapon. At close range, it’s devastating but not lethal at longer distances unless you’re a bird or hunting with Dick Cheney.
High-caliber rifles, such as an AR-15, are great if you live alone in the woods. If you live in a subdivision with an HOA and kids in the house, use a shotgun. The AR-15 round is powerful enough to go through a body, a wall, and into a kid’s room. It’s more weapon than you need. In contrast, a shotgun with bird shot will stop an intruder in their tracks, and the petite BBs will embed in a wall.
If you prefer a pistol, consider a 40-caliber. Glock. Glocks receive a lot of criticism because they’re made out of plastic, but they rarely jam. When you’re startled out of bed by a noise, run to the kitchen naked, and see a masked man, the last thing you need to worry about is your weapon jamming. You should be more worried about the hot brass touching your carrot and beans at that point.
Friendly Fire
Regardless of the weapon, understand your fields of fire. Plaster walls don’t stop bullets, so take a holistic approach to how the walls are constructed. If you live in an apartment or townhouse, it’s worth understanding where your neighbors have bedrooms (without peeking in their windows). A quick look at Zillow can show you a lot about the layout of your neighbor’s house.
Have a tourniquet available. Not in your garage, packed in a box, or in the back of a cabinet. Have it handy where you keep medical supplies. This is not the time to cheap out (like you did with the ADT sign) and grab one off Temu. Get a tactical tourniquet that can stop the blood flow to an open wound. You can purchase them at a gun show, where they’ll demonstrate how to use them properly. If the worst happens, and you or your loved ones are injured in a home invasion, you’ll be glad you have it. A doctor can save a limb that’s had the blood flow restricted for a few hours more easily than they can bring your loved one back from the dead.
Stop A Home Invasion: Sleep Naked
Your goal is to be able to sleep naked…even if you choose not to. People who sleep naked don’t worry about a home invasion. They’ve taken the necessary steps to protect their home so they don’t need underpants.
Much of home protection is done before anything bad happens. It’s having the confidence that you’ve done everything possible to deter a break-in; should one occur, you’re ready for that as well. Your home, your rules – except when talking to your wife or teenage daughter, who is still mad about not getting to run away with Jonathon. They’re in love!
Simple solutions, such as having locks on your gates and breaker box, locking doors, and knowing your neighbors, go a long way in protecting your castle, staying in line with HOA rules, and keeping your wife happy. It’s not about fear – it’s about security – when keeping you and your family safe from home invasions.
